Friday, December 22, 2006

Santa Baby

Dear Santa,

I know there's a good chance you don't exist, but believing in you isn't any crazier an idea than believing in one of the many deities that drive billions to discriminate against and/or kill their fellow man. Of course the idea that reindeer can fly is kinda wacky, but is it any more so than believing in magical gold plates that can only be read with special glasses while covering your face with a black hat containing a brown rock? Sure, a several hundred year old fat white guy delivering 9 billion presents by mammalian-powered flying sleigh in one evening sounds impossible but so does immaculate conception. Oops, sorry! I know, I aren't fat, you're big-boned.

Since many of my fellow human beings find the concept of not believing in imaginary invisible figures capable of fantastically impossible feats to be incomprehensible and since I am tired of the wide-eyed open-mouthed horror-filled looks given when I even hint that such entities based in organized religion may not exist; I've decided to believe in you. I have decided to convert to Santology.

We Santologists believe in giving toys to kids, free milk and cookies, singing jolly carols, working hard, decorating trees, maintaining large bellies that shake when we laugh and extreme sleigh-riding. We do not discriminate against anybody save those who haven't been good for goodness sake and even then, the worst thing that can happen is receiving a lump of coal. But, Santologists are also very forgiving. Coal receipients get a clean slate on December 26th and have a whole year to become good and receive presents 364 days later.

I have to tell you Santa, one downside of Santology is knowing when everybody is sleeping and awake. Voyeurism is kind of pervy; not to mention Orwellian. The snoring is more than a little annoying and I wish they'd quit hitting that freaking snooze button every five minutes. I don't know how you've put up with it for so long and maintained your jolly composure. Any chance of slipping some Vicodin in my stocking so I can deal? Also, we really need to find a more ecological alternative to coal-lumps for the bad folks. Strip mining and mountain-top removal is decidedly bad. How about reindeer poop? You'll need more reindeer of course. And don't forget the largest load has to go to that ranch in Crawford, TX.

Anyhow Santa, let's cut to the chase. Since I have been very good this year and recently converted to Santology, I believe that means I am entitled to some gifts from you. Here's my list Big Guy, see what you can do:

1.) End Global Warming
2.) Impeachment of both George Bush & Dick Cheney
3.) End war
4.) Marriage equality for all.
5.) Elimination of religious fundamentalism
6.) A cure for AIDS
7.) Healthcare for all
8.) Compassion for the other creatures with whom we share the planet
9.) Equality for women all over the world
10.) End poverty

If you can fit into chimneys, deliver billions of gifts in the span of twelve hours, teach reindeer to fly, get thousands of elves to work for room and board, know everybody's sleeping habits and state of goodness/badness; then the items on my wish list should more than fit within the realm of your core competencies. The cookies & milk will be on the coffee table next to the organic carrots for Blitzen et al. Thanks Santa! See you Sunday night!

Thursday, December 07, 2006

The No Shit Sherlock Report

Hello Liberal Drinkers!

It's finally official. Iraq is a quagmire, we cannot 'stay this course' and need to leave someday. But...even though us traitorous America-hating moonbat liberals have been saying exactly that for years; we needed a bipartisan panel of retired politicos to take six months to study up then write a f***ing book about it. Good thing Jim Baker successfully defended the Saudis against those mean old 9/11 families suing them or he might not have the gravitas needed to lead this esteemed group of experts of the obvious.

Another conclusion the Iraq Study Group drew, that the angry bitter far left wing have known from day one, is the Bush Administration has been lying to the American people. I doubt this little fact-nugget is going to make the trip to Scarborough Country or into the equation on the O'Reilly Factor, but it seems that the Bush Administration has been underreporting the violence in Iraq. In July, US officials reported 93 incidents of violence but the ISG found over 1,100. So last year when Bush misunderestimated that 30,000 Iraqis have died as a result of our invasion & occupation of their country? Do the math. Wait! Those hippie scum at Johns Hopkins University did just that for us when they released this study estimating over 650,000 Iraqi invasion/occupation related casualties. Of course, C Student Legacy Boy of 'Is Our Children Learning' fame scoffed that the JHU study was 'not credible' and his media lapdogs dutifully buried that bone.

What the ISG report doesn't do is get us the hell out any time soon, but instead estimates our earliest Iraq departure date sometime at the end of 2008; conveniently allowing the Codpiece Stuffer In Chief to finish his 'War Prezeeedency'. So, given the Johns Hopkins math....maybe a million Iraqis will have been liberated from their mortal coil by the time the ink on Exxon's oil field contracts is dry.

Speaking of Exxon, here is yet another ISG conclusion tin-foiled hat clad liberals have been bitching about since we invaded Iraq that promises to be conspicuously absent from The Wolf "Sigh, McCain's Such A Dreamy Maverick!" Blitzer Situation Room: it was really all about the oil after all. Those brave bipartisan commission coots predictably recommended privatization of Iraq's oil fields; a perfect solution to stop the three Iraqi sects from fighting over the oil is to just take it away from them. Just like my mom used to do when my siblings and I fought over a toy. I call first dibs on this statement: the only ISG recommendation to be adopted by the Bush Administration will be this one.

Pundits on both sides have been either wailing in protest or jumping for joy over this report. They conveniently forget the kind of attention the Bush Administration gives to the recommendations of bipartisan commissions. Except for the oil-privatization recommendation, why would the Bush Administration be the least bit interested in doing anything differently? Because they want us to win? Puhleeze. As they have reminded us on many occasion: 'they aren't running again', 'they don't pay attention to polls' and it will 'be up to future presidents' to extricate us from Iraq. Do you think just 'cuz a few of Poppy's Ensure-swiggin buddies told Dubya to change course that he's actually going to listen? Hell no.

What's going to happen is: Bob 'I'm Not Don' Gates is going to make a trip to Iraq, promise a brand new spiffy 'plan' to train the Iraqis to stand up and ask for six months to get the job done. In six months, Bob 'I Swear I'm Really Not Don' Gates is going to make another trip to Iraq with a newer spiffier plan to train the Iraqis to stand up, ask for and get another six months to get the job done. This time next year, the ISG will come out with their own follow up report giving the Bush Administration a failing grade just like their 9/11 Panel brethren. The press will be in an uproar about it for a few weeks, then they'll forget all about it because the POTUS race will be in full swing. Each party will promise to have the solution to our Iraq problem and Dubya will spend the rest of his term marking off the days on his Back To Crawford Calendar.

I hope I'm wrong and not writing a post about the ISG Failing Grade Report, 4000 dead US soldiers and 750,000 dead Iraqis this time next year kids but I know in my heart that unless something else happens, I will be. Well, suddenly I'm chilled to the bone, tired and sad. Luckily (weather permitting) I get to warm up with some adult beverages and cheer up with some fabulous liberals this Sunday after 6pm at our Drinking Liberally meeting at Sullivan's Irish Pub on Madison Avenue in Lakewood, Ohio. See you there!



Thursday, November 30, 2006

So Many Wars, So Little Time

Hello Liberal Drinkers,

It's the Most Wonderful Time of The Year Kids! War on Christmas Season is in full swing and the first casualty is Walmart. Poor behemoth company feeding billions of dollars to greedy spoiled rotten done nothing to deserve their wealth except successfully make it through a birth canal spawn of Sam Walton! Sigh, the 'free market' is such a fickle mistress.

On cue, Bill O'Delusionally in his trademark ignoranting manner is 'boycotting' Crate and Barrel for not forcing their part-time minimum wage seasonal staff to greet customers with 'Merry Christmas' as a condition of employment regardless of their own or their customers' religious affiliation, let alone free will. Financial analysts predictably expect C&B's sales and stock value will rise sharply on the news of an O'Reilly boycott. Hear that Walmart? But seriously kids; Billy's especially self-righteous hysterical ranting against imaginary Baby Jeebus B-day Haters has nothing to do with his new book or making up shit to make himself rich or anything. He swears on his faloofah it doesn't.

Well fellow Secular Progressives, thank Clooney we have another War to worry about! No you silly geese! I don't mean Iraq! Iraq's not a war! It's a global struggle to..nah. It's a civil wa..oh shit, can't say that. Whatever it is, Chimpy McPlugginghisearsandstompinghisfeet says we will stay in-Iraq-to-win till Cheney's lair freezes over cuz Exxon has not gotten it's oil yet and that's just not fair to their lobbyists.

No, the war I'm talking about is the one in which the Bush administration (ironic surname in this context, huh?) is askin good Kreeshtjuhn 'Merkans to redeploy homeland forces to fight the Second War On Orgasms ! The FBI fought the First WOO in 2005 when under the leadership of Alberto 'Whips & Chains' Gonzales, they bravely took on the Salami-Slapping Video Militias. Regretfully, my decade old delusion that when I was an adult under the age of thirty I was free to get my safe-sex freak on, totally disqualifies me from signing up to fight this war. But I imagine there are millions of Young Republicans who qualify for this service with little or no sacrifice.

To be really serious for a moment folks...this time I really do mean it, I'm sick to death of 'Wars On ___'. I use that crap terminology to highlight it's absurdity because every night we watch ignorant fools on TV or listen to them on the radio promoting some 'war' on this or that. You cannot war against holidays, dental plaque, cellulite, drugs, poverty, diseases, crime or terror. Warring against drugs hasn't done anything but put addicted people in jail and perpetuate violence. Warring against poverty isn't the answer, who do you fight? The poor? The rich? We can't battle poverty but we can lift people from it. How do you war against terror? By invading a country, dropping uranium-filled bombs killing thousands of innocents? You can't war against terror without creating terror by waging war.

Well paid political opinion-makers and marketing gurus have coopted the term 'war' to fit their needs. War is horrifying. When jackoffs on Fox or in the office of White House Spin or the marketing department of Proctor & Gamble use this term in every facet of our language, it dilutes the meaning. War on Terror=War on Cavities=War on Whatever.

To finish this thought on wars, I present an open final comment on the subject to Bill O'Reilly himself: You are not a Culture Warrior. You are nothing but a bitter old man whose dick cannot rise above his thighs without a blue pill and that pisses you off. If you didn't work in cable news you'd be that scary neighborhood guy who is unshaven, unshowered, wearing a stained wife beater with equally stained boxer shorts, black socks with sandals and yelling at kids to get off your damn lawn. What a difference your gig on that bastion of culturally significant media, Inside Edition, made for you Peabody-boy. Shove your Culture War up your ass.

Well my liberal drinking buddies of Cleveland this Sunday we meet at Sullivan's Irish Pub on Madison Avenue in Lakewood Ohio after 6pm to talk politics and Wage a War on Our Livers with frosty irish brews, pale golden chardonnay or ...I know, I know. It was a joke to test if you were really reading this whole thing or not. No more wars, on livers or anything else. We'll just give them a good spanking ;) See you Sunday.

Liberally Yours,


Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Gobble Gobble Gobble

Hello Liberal Drinkers,

First order of biz, no DL meeting this Sunday as it's a holiday weekend. I expect you all will have gained at least six pounds by then and need to regain your sanity from a whole weekend with relatives. If you are like me, part of a 'mixed' family, you will be forced to spend many hours in close proximity with hardcore Republicans. So kids, I leave you with some advice for this especially special 2006 Thanksgiving.

  1. Do not call your in-law who is a loyal Limbaugh fan a 'Dicko-head'. I tried it once, believe me when I say they do not appreciate clever plays on words. Feel free to point out that he/she blindly supports a man who made his immigrant cleaning lady go on drug runs for him, brings a month's worth of viagra on a weekend junket to a third world country known for it's underage sex trade and mocks people inflicted with deadly incurable debilitating diseases. Laugh mockingly when he/she defends him. Duck when they throw the turkey leg at you.
  2. For those of you with pro-life relatives of child-bearing age who are against embryonic stem-cell research, remind them that there are thousands of snowflake babies available to take up residence for 9 months in their family's uterus-owner. Do not ask them to pass the mashed potatoes immediately afterward. Don't forget to duck if they grab the other turkey leg, one of those to the forehead can leave a nasty welt.
  3. Drink wine, beer, vodka, grain alchol, whiskey, cough syrup...whatever you can get your hands on to get through the day. Best to use up a favor by having a spouse/date/friend on hand as your sober chauffeur.
  4. Gloat. When the subject of the elections comes up? Dance around chanting 'Blue Ohio! In Your Face!' while smacking your own ass. many times did these jackoffs tell you that you were a traitor for not thinking Dubya McPoppy'sGottasavemyass is the next best thing since...oh yeah...God? Do this immediately after dinner before the tryptophan kicks in while you still have the energy.
  5. If Grandma/Grandpa is Republican...ah don't do anything except remind them that voting day for national elections has been changed to February 9th.
  6. Corrupt your nieces and nephews with Republican parents. Talk about global warming and the monster deficit they're going to get stuck with because their folks needed a tax break to fit spa trips and golf weekends into the family budget. If they're under five just teach them to say "Bush Sucks".
  7. Remember that 1 through six are just jokes. Enjoy your holiday. Savor the food and the time you spend with your family. Eat, drink, laugh, reminisce, and remember that blood is thicker than politics.

One last thing. A little shout of thankfulness to all of you who have participated in and supported this chapter, I am soooo thankful for the wonderful people I have had the pleasure to get to know, converse, drink and laugh with over these last two years. Have a great holiday kids. See you December 3rd.

Liberally and thankfully yours,


Thursday, November 16, 2006

Breaking News: Glenn Beck Wrestles Limbaugh For 'Big Fat Idiot' Title

Happy Friday Liberal Drinkers!

I trust you all are starting to recover from your mid-term election hangover. Now we all have to patiently wait for January before we witness all the lame GOP ducks waddling off to K-Street or Merck or Exxon etc. to begin/resume their lobbyist careers. But at least we have the GOP toe-sucking media hacks to amuse us with their frantic hair-pulling and cursing us all out for electing the Democrats in the meantime: "You put a WOMAN in as House Speaker! She has a vagina you fools! It's an established fact that vaginas embolden the terrorists!"

Case in point is GOP media-concubine, reinforcer of that charming Republican-Racist stereotype CNN's Glenn Beck (R-Needs To Chug A Tall Glass Of Shut The Fuck Up). While interviewing Keith Ellison, an American citizen democratically elected to represent Minnesota in Congress, Beck asked him to prove he's not going to kill us all with a dirty bomb because....gasp...he ain't a white Kreeeshtjuhn with a comb-over! (Quick aside to CNN: Glenn Beck is the human equivalent of chewing aluminum foil with a mouth full of metal fillings).

I wonder how Glenn or those like him would feel, if just as a hypothetical, Keith Olbermann asked Trent Lott (R-Pointy White Hood) in an interview if he was going to try to bring back racial segregation now that he's been given the #2 seat in the Senate? Which, actually given Lott's past statements and actions, wouldn't be nearly the unfair outrageous out-of-line question Beck asked Ellison. Well, we'd know what would happen..Keith would become MSNBC's Chernobyl correspondent until his contract was up.

You know kids, it's as if the GOP's media flunkies haven't learned one damn thing after the voters cut their masters off at the knees. Fox News sends out an internal memo hunting for proof (real or not) for their 'Terrrrrists Love Democrats' Talking Point, Sean Hannity's uni-brow has morphed into a hairy-headband-of-hate while he spews incoherent false accusations and insults at a grandmother of six who will be the FIRST woman Speaker of the House. Anne Coulter accolytes are sending envelopes of white powder to Air America. Bill O'Really-Needs-Better-Ratings trotted out his 'War On Fictional Jeebus B-Day Haters' a whole two weeks early cuz well he's got nothing else now has he? Does the American public have to draw these feebs on cable news a fucking map to Cluetown before they realize we don't buy that tired Orwellian crap they keep flinging at us like angry chimpanzees?

While we won the first battle for checks and balances November 7th. We have yet to win the second, which is just as important, the one for a fair accurate unbiased news media- the 'fourth branch' of government. An informed electorate is essential to democracy. And, I don't know about you but I'm tired of watching these hacks insulting our intelligence, lying to us about what's really going on, witholding information to protect politicians, exhibiting blatant bias for the right while not allowing the left an equal voice on the airwaves our tax dollars paid to create and our monthly bills pay to support. If we want to hold onto a balanced government, if we want to restore and maintain the check on power. We must be as passionate about forcing news organizations into serving that role as we are about electing the right people into office. For more information on this very important issue check out: ,,

"Those who expect to reap the blessings of freedom must, like men, undergo the fatigue of supporting it. Thomas Paine "

Please join us this Sunday at Sullivan's Irish Pub on Madison Avenue in Lakewood, Ohio. We will lift a glass to toast the spirit of Thomas Paine, a true journalist, a rebel-patriot whose published words spurred the men of his time to revolt against their British occupiers and lay their lives on the line to found this country we love.

Liberally Yours,


Thursday, November 09, 2006

Breaking News: Bush's Brain Lobotomized

Hellooooooo Liberal Drinkers!

Humor me for a moment kids. I have one last message for K-Rove, Satan's albino bastard son:

Kiss my liberalsecularhomoagendapromotinpeaceniktreehugginfeminazi ass! Never ever ever underestimate the power of a lot pissed off Americans over dirty corporate lobbyist money, your passe sloganeering and tired dirty tricks. Looks like your corpulent corrupt pasty tender bum is going to be spending time in Shotgun Cheney's 'naughty' room. Not to worry Rovey-poo, remember the United States does not torture. Buck up you evil little camper; I even have an idea for your 'safe word', how 'bout Pelosi.

My, that felt good. For those of you that missed Tuesday night's festivities I have to tell you I felt like I was watching the Brown's win the Super-Bowl but instead we got to send one to the US Senate! Sullivan's was packed with liberals and we were hooping and hollering every time a red seat turned blue; which was so often we had to lubricate our throats with frosty irish brews to keep our voices strong.

It's difficult to pick my favorite part of the 2006 Mid-Term Elections but here are my top ten:

  1. Ken 'Bush's Nutty Buddy' Blackwell concedes like..oh I don't know...immediately.
  2. Rick 'Santorum' Santorum' makes his concession speech surrounded by his eerily 'Children of The Corn'-like brood.
  3. Macacaberg has to find a place in his den at home for his noose & racist flag.
  4. Conrad Burns got Testered and failed.
  5. Limbaugh finally admits he really is a big fat idiot
  6. JD Hayworth of AZ (R-Biff Tannen), Crazy Curt Weldon (R-Under Investigation WMD Hallucinator), Don Sherwood of PA (R-I Beat My Mistress But Not My Wife), Tom Reynolds of NY (R-De Facto Congressional Page Pimp) are all outta the House. Buh-bye!
  7. How 'bout some cheese with that loss DeWhine?
  8. Five words: Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid.
  9. Six words: Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi. Chew on that Uni-brow Boy!
  10. Last but not least, two words: BLUE OHIO

Okay, enough of the gloating. Now that we have finally pulled the country back towards sanity for the time being, we must realize that this ain't gonna be easy. For the last six years Dick Cheney has orchestrated an unprecedented executive power grab; that has not changed. The left has a really tough job ahead: Iraq is still a mess and so's the economic state of the middle-class. There's fair trade, energy independence, healthcare, education, national security, an illegal wiretapping program to deal with, and so on. So enjoy this moment, pat yourselves on the back (especially you Chuck) and meet us at Sullivan's Irish Pub on Madison Avenue in beautiful blue Lakewood Ohio to not only promote democracy one pint at a time but secure it for generations to come. See you there.

Liberally yours,