Friday, December 22, 2006

Santa Baby

Dear Santa,

I know there's a good chance you don't exist, but believing in you isn't any crazier an idea than believing in one of the many deities that drive billions to discriminate against and/or kill their fellow man. Of course the idea that reindeer can fly is kinda wacky, but is it any more so than believing in magical gold plates that can only be read with special glasses while covering your face with a black hat containing a brown rock? Sure, a several hundred year old fat white guy delivering 9 billion presents by mammalian-powered flying sleigh in one evening sounds impossible but so does immaculate conception. Oops, sorry! I know, I aren't fat, you're big-boned.

Since many of my fellow human beings find the concept of not believing in imaginary invisible figures capable of fantastically impossible feats to be incomprehensible and since I am tired of the wide-eyed open-mouthed horror-filled looks given when I even hint that such entities based in organized religion may not exist; I've decided to believe in you. I have decided to convert to Santology.

We Santologists believe in giving toys to kids, free milk and cookies, singing jolly carols, working hard, decorating trees, maintaining large bellies that shake when we laugh and extreme sleigh-riding. We do not discriminate against anybody save those who haven't been good for goodness sake and even then, the worst thing that can happen is receiving a lump of coal. But, Santologists are also very forgiving. Coal receipients get a clean slate on December 26th and have a whole year to become good and receive presents 364 days later.

I have to tell you Santa, one downside of Santology is knowing when everybody is sleeping and awake. Voyeurism is kind of pervy; not to mention Orwellian. The snoring is more than a little annoying and I wish they'd quit hitting that freaking snooze button every five minutes. I don't know how you've put up with it for so long and maintained your jolly composure. Any chance of slipping some Vicodin in my stocking so I can deal? Also, we really need to find a more ecological alternative to coal-lumps for the bad folks. Strip mining and mountain-top removal is decidedly bad. How about reindeer poop? You'll need more reindeer of course. And don't forget the largest load has to go to that ranch in Crawford, TX.

Anyhow Santa, let's cut to the chase. Since I have been very good this year and recently converted to Santology, I believe that means I am entitled to some gifts from you. Here's my list Big Guy, see what you can do:

1.) End Global Warming
2.) Impeachment of both George Bush & Dick Cheney
3.) End war
4.) Marriage equality for all.
5.) Elimination of religious fundamentalism
6.) A cure for AIDS
7.) Healthcare for all
8.) Compassion for the other creatures with whom we share the planet
9.) Equality for women all over the world
10.) End poverty

If you can fit into chimneys, deliver billions of gifts in the span of twelve hours, teach reindeer to fly, get thousands of elves to work for room and board, know everybody's sleeping habits and state of goodness/badness; then the items on my wish list should more than fit within the realm of your core competencies. The cookies & milk will be on the coffee table next to the organic carrots for Blitzen et al. Thanks Santa! See you Sunday night!

Thursday, December 07, 2006

The No Shit Sherlock Report

Hello Liberal Drinkers!

It's finally official. Iraq is a quagmire, we cannot 'stay this course' and need to leave someday. But...even though us traitorous America-hating moonbat liberals have been saying exactly that for years; we needed a bipartisan panel of retired politicos to take six months to study up then write a f***ing book about it. Good thing Jim Baker successfully defended the Saudis against those mean old 9/11 families suing them or he might not have the gravitas needed to lead this esteemed group of experts of the obvious.

Another conclusion the Iraq Study Group drew, that the angry bitter far left wing have known from day one, is the Bush Administration has been lying to the American people. I doubt this little fact-nugget is going to make the trip to Scarborough Country or into the equation on the O'Reilly Factor, but it seems that the Bush Administration has been underreporting the violence in Iraq. In July, US officials reported 93 incidents of violence but the ISG found over 1,100. So last year when Bush misunderestimated that 30,000 Iraqis have died as a result of our invasion & occupation of their country? Do the math. Wait! Those hippie scum at Johns Hopkins University did just that for us when they released this study estimating over 650,000 Iraqi invasion/occupation related casualties. Of course, C Student Legacy Boy of 'Is Our Children Learning' fame scoffed that the JHU study was 'not credible' and his media lapdogs dutifully buried that bone.

What the ISG report doesn't do is get us the hell out any time soon, but instead estimates our earliest Iraq departure date sometime at the end of 2008; conveniently allowing the Codpiece Stuffer In Chief to finish his 'War Prezeeedency'. So, given the Johns Hopkins math....maybe a million Iraqis will have been liberated from their mortal coil by the time the ink on Exxon's oil field contracts is dry.

Speaking of Exxon, here is yet another ISG conclusion tin-foiled hat clad liberals have been bitching about since we invaded Iraq that promises to be conspicuously absent from The Wolf "Sigh, McCain's Such A Dreamy Maverick!" Blitzer Situation Room: it was really all about the oil after all. Those brave bipartisan commission coots predictably recommended privatization of Iraq's oil fields; a perfect solution to stop the three Iraqi sects from fighting over the oil is to just take it away from them. Just like my mom used to do when my siblings and I fought over a toy. I call first dibs on this statement: the only ISG recommendation to be adopted by the Bush Administration will be this one.

Pundits on both sides have been either wailing in protest or jumping for joy over this report. They conveniently forget the kind of attention the Bush Administration gives to the recommendations of bipartisan commissions. Except for the oil-privatization recommendation, why would the Bush Administration be the least bit interested in doing anything differently? Because they want us to win? Puhleeze. As they have reminded us on many occasion: 'they aren't running again', 'they don't pay attention to polls' and it will 'be up to future presidents' to extricate us from Iraq. Do you think just 'cuz a few of Poppy's Ensure-swiggin buddies told Dubya to change course that he's actually going to listen? Hell no.

What's going to happen is: Bob 'I'm Not Don' Gates is going to make a trip to Iraq, promise a brand new spiffy 'plan' to train the Iraqis to stand up and ask for six months to get the job done. In six months, Bob 'I Swear I'm Really Not Don' Gates is going to make another trip to Iraq with a newer spiffier plan to train the Iraqis to stand up, ask for and get another six months to get the job done. This time next year, the ISG will come out with their own follow up report giving the Bush Administration a failing grade just like their 9/11 Panel brethren. The press will be in an uproar about it for a few weeks, then they'll forget all about it because the POTUS race will be in full swing. Each party will promise to have the solution to our Iraq problem and Dubya will spend the rest of his term marking off the days on his Back To Crawford Calendar.

I hope I'm wrong and not writing a post about the ISG Failing Grade Report, 4000 dead US soldiers and 750,000 dead Iraqis this time next year kids but I know in my heart that unless something else happens, I will be. Well, suddenly I'm chilled to the bone, tired and sad. Luckily (weather permitting) I get to warm up with some adult beverages and cheer up with some fabulous liberals this Sunday after 6pm at our Drinking Liberally meeting at Sullivan's Irish Pub on Madison Avenue in Lakewood, Ohio. See you there!