Hello Liberal Drinkers,
It's the Most Wonderful Time of The Year Kids! War on Christmas Season is in full swing and the first casualty is Walmart. Poor behemoth company feeding billions of dollars to greedy spoiled rotten done nothing to deserve their wealth except successfully make it through a birth canal spawn of Sam Walton! Sigh, the 'free market' is such a fickle mistress.
On cue, Bill O'Delusionally in his trademark ignoranting manner is 'boycotting' Crate and Barrel for not forcing their part-time minimum wage seasonal staff to greet customers with 'Merry Christmas' as a condition of employment regardless of their own or their customers' religious affiliation, let alone free will. Financial analysts predictably expect C&B's sales and stock value will rise sharply on the news of an O'Reilly boycott. Hear that Walmart? But seriously kids; Billy's especially self-righteous hysterical ranting against imaginary Baby Jeebus B-day Haters has nothing to do with his new book or making up shit to make himself rich or anything. He swears on his faloofah it doesn't.
Well fellow Secular Progressives, thank Clooney we have another War to worry about! No you silly geese! I don't mean Iraq! Iraq's not a war! It's a global struggle to..nah. It's a civil wa..oh shit, can't say that. Whatever it is, Chimpy McPlugginghisearsandstompinghisfeet says we will stay in-Iraq-to-win till Cheney's lair freezes over cuz Exxon has not gotten it's oil yet and that's just not fair to their lobbyists.
No, the war I'm talking about is the one in which the Bush administration (ironic surname in this context, huh?) is askin good Kreeshtjuhn 'Merkans to redeploy homeland forces to fight the Second War On Orgasms ! The FBI fought the First WOO in 2005 when under the leadership of Alberto 'Whips & Chains' Gonzales, they bravely took on the Salami-Slapping Video Militias. Regretfully, my decade old delusion that when I was an adult under the age of thirty I was free to get my safe-sex freak on, totally disqualifies me from signing up to fight this war. But I imagine there are millions of Young Republicans who qualify for this service with little or no sacrifice.
To be really serious for a moment folks...this time I really do mean it, I'm sick to death of 'Wars On ___'. I use that crap terminology to highlight it's absurdity because every night we watch ignorant fools on TV or listen to them on the radio promoting some 'war' on this or that. You cannot war against holidays, dental plaque, cellulite, drugs, poverty, diseases, crime or terror. Warring against drugs hasn't done anything but put addicted people in jail and perpetuate violence. Warring against poverty isn't the answer, who do you fight? The poor? The rich? We can't battle poverty but we can lift people from it. How do you war against terror? By invading a country, dropping uranium-filled bombs killing thousands of innocents? You can't war against terror without creating terror by waging war.
Well paid political opinion-makers and marketing gurus have coopted the term 'war' to fit their needs. War is horrifying. When jackoffs on Fox or in the office of White House Spin or the marketing department of Proctor & Gamble use this term in every facet of our language, it dilutes the meaning. War on Terror=War on Cavities=War on Whatever.
To finish this thought on wars, I present an open final comment on the subject to Bill O'Reilly himself: You are not a Culture Warrior. You are nothing but a bitter old man whose dick cannot rise above his thighs without a blue pill and that pisses you off. If you didn't work in cable news you'd be that scary neighborhood guy who is unshaven, unshowered, wearing a stained wife beater with equally stained boxer shorts, black socks with sandals and yelling at kids to get off your damn lawn. What a difference your gig on that bastion of culturally significant media, Inside Edition, made for you Peabody-boy. Shove your Culture War up your ass.
Well my liberal drinking buddies of Cleveland this Sunday we meet at Sullivan's Irish Pub on Madison Avenue in Lakewood Ohio after 6pm to talk politics and Wage a War on Our Livers with frosty irish brews, pale golden chardonnay or ...I know, I know. It was a joke to test if you were really reading this whole thing or not. No more wars, on livers or anything else. We'll just give them a good spanking ;) See you Sunday.
Liberally Yours,
Judy
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