Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Time After Time

This post's title is one of the few songs my mother and I both loved when I was a teenager. It's a sweet song about loving someone you can't always connect with while always holding them in your heart . She was born in 1932 and had me in 1965. It's rare for a girl who came of age in the 40's and lived most of her life as a Republican to share an affinity for a song with one who did the same in the 80's and lived her life as a Liberal. As much as you may love someone, it can be difficult to connect because of your differences. But occasionally something as simple as a song can connect people and Ms. Lauper's best song was one that bridged that divide for my mom and I.

My mother and I shared looks I've always been told. We also shared a 'social butterfly' tendency, loud laugh, loud mouth, a twinge of the stereotypical Irish temper and equally stereotypical Irish love of adult beverages. Oh yeah...also red hair; though it's been years since either of us had the real thing. But until recent years, one thing we had never shared was the same politics.

As a Clash-loving rebellious teen I never had any luck convincing my conservative mom that Reagan was a dangerous human hating feeb. As a Green Day-loving liberal grown woman, it was not hard to convince my conservative mom that George Bush was/is what I thought Reagan was...times a thousand. She regretted her 2000 vote for Bush a million times more than she regretted her vote for Nixon decades earlier. My mom voted for Kerry in 2004, registered as a Democrat for the first time in her life in 2006 and voted a straight D ticket.

She would say often in our conversations leading up to the November elections that a part of her was glad she wasn't going to be around for what she thought could be in store for our nation and the world. I knew she didn't mean...'Sucks to be you'...but instead it was her way of asking me 'what are you going to do about it?'. It reminded me of my childhood when she'd say to me after dinner (my daily chore was doing the dishes)...'the dishes don't clear themselves from the table, wash themselves and magically appear in the cupboards' then I'd reply 'No duh Mooooom!' and wash, dry, then put away those uncooperative dishes. So I assured my mom I was doing my part and so were many many people I know, to clean our nation up with as little breakage as possible.

Last week I got to say goodbye to her in person. I tried to tell her everything I needed to and thank her for everything she'd done for me, but choked. When I got back in town, I e-mailed my dad with a list of things I forgot to say to her and he read them to her for me. Among many: I thanked her for getting my dad to let me date, for not taking my car privileges away even though I got into an accident the first time I took it out, for teaching me to stand up for what I believed in, for arguing with me, and for voting the way she did in November.

Last night when I learned she was gone, a flurry of new things I wanted to tell her but would never get to, entered my mind. Then it occurred to me...what I needed was a song.

"if you're lost you can look--and you will find me
time after time
if you fall I will catch you--I'll be waiting
time after time "

Thursday, January 25, 2007

Mah Fella 'Merkans...Kiss Mah Ass

Hello Liberal Drinkers!

I know, I know...you have been waiting with bated breath for my SOTU rebuttal. Sure Jim Webb did a bang up job beyotch-slapping the Promise-breaker In Chief, but I have my own piece to say. Here goes:

My Fellow Americans,

If any of you believed one word out of George Bush's whiskey-hole you are the biggest dumbasses on the planet...nay in the universe. If you really did and aren't doing anything this weekend; I'd love to play a few games of poker with you. Please bring a covered dish and your life's savings. Momma needs a new pair of shoes!

Thank you and God Bless 'Merka.

While most of Dubya's speech was nothing more than recyled ca-ca, a few things did pique my interest this time around. The first being what he didn't say. There was not one mention of New Orleans or the Gulf Coast. What happened to the promises he made to the region in the 2006 SOTU? Or during that choreographed Well Lit Jackson Square New Orleans Is Gonna Rise Again Bullhorn Moment? Nothing? No shit. Has he not even shared the promised Rocking Chair/Mint Julep On Lott's Porch Moment with his party's new Minority Leader? No? I suppose if he had; we'd have seen it on an infinite loop on Fox News while Sean Hannity simultaneously creamed his pleated Dockers in a yellow school bus.

Next, I nearly shot a swig of a very nice buttery chardonnay from my nose when Bush brought up his nifty 'tax-break' solution to get all us 'Merkans health insurance coverage. Dude, if I don't make enough money to afford my own health insurance then I don't pay enough income tax to qualify for the effing deduction! That guy's never seen a 1040 in his life has he? Sorry...that's a dumb rhetorical question.

Third, I noticed he failed to acknowledge a very important person in attendance. He gave POTUS props to that guy who saved that kid on the subway tracks in NYC, an immigrant NBA player, a soldier (of course) and some chick who came up with the earth shatteringly brilliant idea of playing classical music to fetuses. Yet one of Hillary Clinton's guests, Cesar Borja Jr. the son of a real American hero, went unacknowledged as did his father. Cesar Sr. died as a result of the Bush administration's intentional incompetence. That Bush invoked the 9/11 tragedy as a knife to twist in our nation's back for the umpteenth time to scare us into accepting the escalation in Iraq; yet failed to acknowledge Cesar Borja Sr. & son speaks volumes.

Finally, heck...I'll just cut and paste this one directly from the transcript:

"A second task we can take on together is to design and establish a volunteer Civilian Reserve Corps. Such a corps would function much like our military reserve. It would ease the burden on the Armed Forces by allowing us to hire civilians with critical skills to serve on missions abroad when America needs them. It would give people across America who do not wear the uniform a chance to serve in the defining struggle of our time. "

Excuse me? Personal aside to Dubya McAwol: Struggle this! If civilians want to 'serve' in your imperialistic clusterf*cks they can apply to Halliburton, Dyncorp, CACI or Blackwater. In that case at least they can sock away a couple of hundred thousand bucks to set their families up before they die in vain. Maybe you could tie this program to your Faith Based Vote Bribery Initiative...sign up just those lucky Kreeeshtjuhns who unconditionally love you for bringing Armeggedon so close to fruition.

There's no telling what direction a Civilian Reserve Corps could lead our nation to...well that's not entirely true. Bush neglects to understand that even his rabid kreeshtjuhn followers are loathe to risk their own hides let alone their spawn's to volunteer to serve in his struggle. Putting the safe sounding 'Civilian' label on the package doesn't fool anyone.

Regardless of what was actually said, Bush's message to the voters who kicked his Rubberstampers to the curb and the new Democratic Majority led Congress boils down to this: Kiss my ass. I'm sending more troops to Iraq and there's nothing you can do about it. And since the last (GOP controlled) session of Congress appropriated a nice chunk of change before they closed for good, he's right. There really isn't anything Congress can do to stop this......for now.

Thursday, January 11, 2007

God No Longer Blesses America. But, Can You Blame Him?

Wednesday night's address by the delusional man-boy who fancies himself our president was the rare occasion Mr. Cleveland Drinking Liberally (aka Brian) & I actually listened rather than employ the mute and closed-caption features of our television. Not because we wanted to hear the word 'nuclear' bastardized for the 12,348th time via faux Texan dialect; but we were playing a drinking game associated with the speech and closed-captioning of Dubya McMushmouth's word pronunciation ends up looking like alien (not foreign,think Klingon) language subtitles. So in the interest of achieving the buzz necessary to keep ourselves from tossing objects at the television we can ill afford to replace...we listened.

The first thing we noticed at the end of the speech is that our purported Eeeeekvangelical-In-Chief neglected to close with the standard 'God bless America' or some variation thereof. Since he claims to answer to a 'higher father' rather than his biological version, I naturally assumed he meant God. Now, I think maybe he meant Tommy Chong. Anyhow, it seems even Bush realizes that God has had it up to his eyeballs with a citizenry that hasn't impeached his napoleonic sociopathic incompetent ass. America..no more blessing for you!

To convince Congress and America that this time he really is The Man With The Plan; Bush told us the following: "These 'new' troops are going to work with Iraqi forces to secure Bagdhad! We're gonna force the Iraqi government to take more responsibility for their security! Iraq is going to spend 10 billion dollars to rebuild infrastructure and create jobs! They're going to get the water & electricity working for the citizens!" Ummm yeah sounds great, except for one problem....ISN'T THAT WHAT WE WERE SUPPOSEDLY DOING THERE FOR THE LAST THREE F**KING YEARS COMMANDER SH*T-FOR-BRAINS? NEW STRATEGY MY ASS!

Okay. I suppose I'm being a bit unfair, Bush did announce one new strategy:

"Succeeding in Iraq also requires defending it's territorial integrity-and stabilizing the region in the face of the extremist challenge. This begins with addressing Iran and Syria."

"We are also taking other steps to bolster the security of Iraq and protect American interests in the Middle East. I recently ordered the deployment of an additional carrier strike group to the region."

What word leaps out at you? If you answered 'additional' , you win some duct-tape and plastic for your basement windows. Yes, kids. It seems that while Afghanistan is falling back into the hands of the Taliban and Iraq is on the brink of collapse due to a civil war; The Neococksuckers think poking a big stick at the hornet's nest of Iran is exactly the wise thing to do. Yea! We can't handle two wars so what the hell, let's take on another! They remind me of the Black Knight in Monty Python's Holy Grail... . Iran to America: 'What are you going to do, bleed on me?".

But, so far all the Democrats are proposing (save a few) is a 'non-binding' resolution that rebukes Bush's plan. Whoop-de-fucking-doo. That's not why a good many liberals spent money they could ill afford and precious time away from their families to give them the majority. Congress has the power to stop this madness. The Democratic majority has to finally get it through their insecure heads that we support that effort.

So Liberal Drinkers, please contact your senators and representatives, regardless of party affiliation, to express your dismay for a president who doesn't listen and a Congress that refuses to exercise it's Constitutional war powers. Maybe Dubya thinks that God no longer blesses us because we do not follow blindly; but we don't want either of them to believe we are damned as a result.

Wednesday, January 03, 2007

We've Got High Apple Pie In The Sky Hopes

Hello Liberal Drinkers,

I was in Florida this past week. The land of Disney (and Tasering Unruly Third Graders). And I had a run in with hope; because when things suck beyond belief even a jaded bitch like me realizes there really is only one other alternative to it. I struggle constantly with hope as many of you may have at times. Is it a waste of time? Does it make the inevitable harder to cope with? Are you fooling yourself? Maybe a miracle will happen. Maybe it won't. But then you realize..your hope is not only for your own peace of mind but for the one you hope for.

A couple of weeks ago I thought of doing some snarky Cleveland DL Year In Review for my first message to you in the New Year; an idea so unoriginal I subconsciously..nay.. literally mocked the shit out of myself for thinking of it. Who the 'eff am I to do a Year In Review? Or more aptly; Do I Want To Spend All That Goddamn Time Going Back Through 12 Months of Messages To Do One? So then...what do I do? What do I write to you all about?

I could eulogize Gerry 'Fuck The East Timorese' Ford or Sadaam 'Fredo' Hussein who was whacked before he was tried for his and our crimes against the Kurds to appease the Gambini..oops I mean..Saudi...oops I mean the Al Sadr Family. By clicking on these links; you know the world is completely fucked up when I actually agree with the perpetually schnockered potentially heterosexual perpetually insecure Christoper Hitchens. Message to CH: 'Alright you scruffy often repulsive, likely odiferous, libertarianeoconicalcholicsemipenised mook...that's enough press for you. A few bouts of sanity-laden prose does not earn you my love, this was strictly a four-link-stand.'

I could write about Dubya McOedipuscomplex who wants to send more troops to Iraq just to piss off the 78% of this nation who thinks he's a batshit impotent incompetent puppet of Satan. But, we've beaten that horse (much like Congress) to death haven't we? I don't know about you but in the next ten years I would like the words 'resolve' and 'steadfast' completely eliminated from the dictionary for at least five decades. Perfectly good words, made irrelevant by one man. What a pity.

But I digress. I really do want to impart that message of hope, in the sense of my hope for others. This coming year:

1.) I hope the Democrats have the stones to take their investigations 'off the table' and into impeachment hearings against George Bush and Dick Cheney.

2.) I hope Oprah Winfrey realizes that inner city American poor kids aren't all that psyched about school uniforms over video games because school uniforms are creepily Orwellian and reek of forced subservient conformity that South African children may not object to, but free-thinking individualistic creative American kids sure the fuck do.

3.) I hope that Dick Cheney has another accident with his shotgun...alone, while cleaning it and recording the video on his cell phone. In a related hope..I hope CNN shows the same restraint in airing the Dick Cheney Gun Cleaning Accident cell-phone video as it had the Sadaam-Hanging cell-phone video.

4.) I hope liberal radio stays on in Columbus. Word is a wildly popular ratings competitive station there is going to be switched back to 'Conservative Radio'. Write the station..tell them Laura Ingraham is NOT progressive. Be sure to include in your critique of the station turnover that Ingraham is a heartless 'See You Next Tuesday'.

5.) I hope the 'Mea Crappa' media crowd of Chris Matthews, Joe Scarborough, Andrew Sullivan et al really take a long fucking look in the mirror....they were sooo gunning for this Iraq debacle up until a year or so ago that they labeled anyone bright enough to question it 'un-American' in the most McCarthy sense of the term. They spent years disparaging large groups of American citizens and excusing the unlawful detainment and torture of American citizens; let alone a misguided view of the Geneva Conventions. Now they publicly say it was wrong? Their current mea culpas are more than a day late (give or take four years) and more than a dollar short (try nearly half a trillion). Welcome to the club boys...pardon us if we do not applaud your entrance. I hope you can stand in front of that mirror, knowing who you are. If I were you I could not.

6.) I hope Keith Olbermann wins an Emmy.

7.) I hope all of you have the best next year imaginable.

8.) I hope the Cleveland Indians change their mascot and win the World Series.

9.) I hope that we finally take steps to curb global warming....NOW.

10.) I hope every liberal minded social drinker in the Cleveland area decides to sign up and become a Cleveland Drinking Liberally member (it's for your own good, really).

And a last one for my mom.

11.) I hope you get to see my neice/your granddaughter Carly graduate from high school.

Hope is the theme for 2007. So tell Britney to put her skivvies back on, fire her publicist, hire a financial planner and become a Democrat. Tell the Republicans that Conservatism is as dead as shoulder-pads, Raygunism and Newt Gingerich's psychotic hate-babble. We are going to raise the minimum wage, our parents are going to be able to afford their prescriptions, we are going to fund stem-cell research, and....whether some Democrats like it or not..we are going to bring our troops home from Iraq. At least I hope so.

Liberally yours,