Santa Baby

Dear Santa,

I know there's a good chance you don't exist, but believing in you isn't any crazier an idea than believing in one of the many deities that drive billions to discriminate against and/or kill their fellow man. Of course the idea that reindeer can fly is kinda wacky, but is it any more so than believing in magical gold plates that can only be read with special glasses while covering your face with a black hat containing a brown rock? Sure, a several hundred year old fat white guy delivering 9 billion presents by mammalian-powered flying sleigh in one evening sounds impossible but so does immaculate conception. Oops, sorry! I know, I know..you aren't fat, you're big-boned.

Since many of my fellow human beings find the concept of not believing in imaginary invisible figures capable of fantastically impossible feats to be incomprehensible and since I am tired of the wide-eyed open-mouthed horror-filled looks given when I even hint that such entities based in organized religion may not exist; I've decided to believe in you. I have decided to convert to Santology.

We Santologists believe in giving toys to kids, free milk and cookies, singing jolly carols, working hard, decorating trees, maintaining large bellies that shake when we laugh and extreme sleigh-riding. We do not discriminate against anybody save those who haven't been good for goodness sake and even then, the worst thing that can happen is receiving a lump of coal. But, Santologists are also very forgiving. Coal receipients get a clean slate on December 26th and have a whole year to become good and receive presents 364 days later.

I have to tell you Santa, one downside of Santology is knowing when everybody is sleeping and awake. Voyeurism is kind of pervy; not to mention Orwellian. The snoring is more than a little annoying and I wish they'd quit hitting that freaking snooze button every five minutes. I don't know how you've put up with it for so long and maintained your jolly composure. Any chance of slipping some Vicodin in my stocking so I can deal? Also, we really need to find a more ecological alternative to coal-lumps for the bad folks. Strip mining and mountain-top removal is decidedly bad. How about reindeer poop? You'll need more reindeer of course. And don't forget the largest load has to go to that ranch in Crawford, TX.

Anyhow Santa, let's cut to the chase. Since I have been very good this year and recently converted to Santology, I believe that means I am entitled to some gifts from you. Here's my list Big Guy, see what you can do:

1.) End Global Warming
2.) Impeachment of both George Bush & Dick Cheney
3.) End war
4.) Marriage equality for all.
5.) Elimination of religious fundamentalism
6.) A cure for AIDS
7.) Healthcare for all
8.) Compassion for the other creatures with whom we share the planet
9.) Equality for women all over the world
10.) End poverty

If you can fit into chimneys, deliver billions of gifts in the span of twelve hours, teach reindeer to fly, get thousands of elves to work for room and board, know everybody's sleeping habits and state of goodness/badness; then the items on my wish list should more than fit within the realm of your core competencies. The cookies & milk will be on the coffee table next to the organic carrots for Blitzen et al. Thanks Santa! See you Sunday night!