But Where Are The Frickin Sharks With Frickin Laser Beams?

Among the multitude of exasperating items in the news this week, the one that has to be my favorite is that the Pentagon has spent 78 Beeeeeellion Dollars researching Gay Bombs, Teleporting, Invisibility Armor and Sharks with...no, not Frickin Laser Beams but chemical implants and cameras.

Who the hell is running the Pentagon these days, a bunch of nerdy sixth grade boys? I imagine one of their chief strategists pitching these ideas as follows: "Dudes!!! I know...I know what we do....let's make the bad soldier guys gay and stuff and then our invisible soldiers can bolt right past the bad guys while you know they're doing all that gay stuff and then and then our soldiers can teleport back to the sea base before the gay stuff wears off the bad guys and meet our awesome sharks with cameras that took pictures of the bad guys doin gay stuff for blackmail."

Then I imagine another Pentagon strategist in the meeting replying: "Whooaaaa! RADICAL IDEA DUDE! Awww shit dudes, I gotta go...Mom just texted me, it's time for dinner..we're havin frickin meatloaf again dudes, sooooo bogus. Later!"

Hold on...no...this whole thing really isn't funny. Now that I think of it, I'm actually pissed off about this. Now my Austin Powers DVD boxed set isn't worth squat, frickin fifty bucks down the drain. How can I laugh at Doctor Evil's ridiculously idiotic plots when my frickin government is just as frickin stupid as a fictional character dreamed up by the funny yet Canadian SNL alum Mike Myers? What's next? A Heat-Seeking Schwinger Missile? Oh....wait, maybe that's what they were going to call the Gay Bomb.

Speaking of Doctor Evil...Dick Cheney has informed Congress that he declared his office is not part the Executive Branch and is therefore exempt from executive orders. Whaaaat?! So what frickin branch is his frickin evil self a part of? Judicial? No, thank Keeeriiist! Cheney on the bench would make Tony 'The Duck Slayer' Scalia look like a member of Code Pink. Congress? Damn, I wish! He'd have been booted out with his GOP buddies last November.

No.... according to this web page, the Office of the Vice President is indeed included as part of the Executive Branch. So Dick's dream of having his very own personal branch of our government (The Corporate Branch?) is, well, delusional. But why would Dick not want to be part of the Executive Club anymore? I know he and Condi don't get on so well. And I'm sure he misses his little Rummy-poo somethin awful. But, it's not 'co-worker' issues vexing our Closet VP, it's oversight.

Dick Cheney has blocked every effort to oversee his 'public service'. And when the Information Security Oversight Office tried to gain access to inspect his historically leaky office as required by executive order, he intervened to block the inspection. When the ISOO appealed to the Justice Department to force compliance, Dick Cheney asked AG Gonzales to abolish the ISOO.

How can Dead-Eye Dick hide his visitor logs from public scrutiny by turning them over to the White House so they would be protected from FOIA laws and then claim that his office is not part of the Executive Branch? Cuz he's Dick 'Frickin' Cheney and he'll frickin hide what he wants when he wants, including himself. So, how do we stop this mad-man that's hijacked our government and declared himself above our laws?

While it would be sooooo gratifying to stuff him into a rocket-sized Big Boy statue and launch him into space rather than dealing with his delusions of uber-grandeur , I imagine that's no more realistic or legal than what Dick's been trying to pull over the last six years. So, we need to write Henry 'Danger' Waxman and encourage his efforts to hold Dick's head under the law. And then we need to support his side-kick, Dennis Kucinich's effort to legally remove Dick from all of the branches of our government.

And if the Congress folk more concerned with 2008 than the present tell us insolent little American people to zip it? Well, we've got a secret weapon of our own. Just give them a one word answer that will make their blood run cold....Bloomberg. Who needs frickin sharks with frickin laser beams? We have the vote.





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