Green With Envy White As A Sheet

True story kids. While relaxing on my sofa Tuesday evening watching cable news with my two English Cocker Spaniels napping happily upon my lap, doing their best imitation of an Afghan and keeping me toasty warm on a cold winter evening; my remote control batteries died right when my channel surfing stopped on Fox News during the Squeaky Sean & alan colmes show. Damn! If I get up the dogs will wake up and want to go outside then they'll get all cold and I'm soooo warm and comfy right now.

Then...the camera panned over to some creature...it had long yellow hair, was wearing lot's of whorey makeup and had an adam's apple? Is it one of the Nelson Brothers? No...I remember that their dye jobs were much better and it's wearing a dress.

Suddenly, it opened a ginormous hole in it's face exhibiting rows of large white teeth and a voice that sounded like an amalgamation of Valley Girl and Charles Nelson Reilly emanated from deep inside...."Al Gore and the Liberals want us all to die, they want us all to only use candles and go to the bathroom outside, Al Gore and liberals want to force all the humans on the planet to wear birkenstocks and eat tofu before they kill them all" it brayed.


"Sweet Jesus on a popsicle stick, what the fuck is that?!" I yelled. Needless to say, my wannabe Afghans received the rudest of awakenings when they hit the floor as I jumped off the sofa and ran screaming 'Make it stop! Make it stop' heading for my kitchen to find the battery charger. I tell you guys, I'm still having nightmares and sleeping with one eye open.

Last Sunday evening, a former statesman and tireless activist was honored when the movie based on his powerpoint presentation (of all things) won the Oscar for Best Documentary. On Monday morning, like the green-eyed yellow bellied scared whiter than a sheet freaks of nature they are, the Republix began their smear campaign against Al Gore. Sure, it's all bullshit and a desperate swift-boat job by a hastily thrown together group of a stereotypical pro-corporate oil-industry GOProstitutes.

But, unfortunately this pile of steaming lies has made it around the world a few times and the only US news program that fact-checked the damn thing is Keith Olbermann's Countdown. CNN has repeated the smear without presenting Al Gore's response or looking into the dubious origin and connections of the group who launched it. ABC, ditto. CBS, ditto. Do me a favor kids...especially CNN because the Lou Dobbs show was extra heinous in gleefully repeating the smear without presenting the facts...write these networks and tell them to report the fucking truth for once.

Regardless, I'm wondering, why beat up on Al Gore? Haven't they done that to death? Well, seeing they still blame Bill Clinton for everything from 9/11 to Katrina to Restless Leg Syndrome, I guess I'm being naive. But it's quite evident right now Al Gore has become an even bigger threat to the Republix psyche than any Clinton could hope for. Why?

First, Gore's movie won an Oscar! The only conservative to win an Oscar was Charlton Heston for Ben Hur way back in 1959. Shit, I wasn't even a zygote back then. Their actors suck and will forever be limited to small screen achievement..right Patricia Heaton, Kelsey Grammar, Suzanne Sommers, Pat Sajak? Emmy's aren't ever going to be as good as Oscars you poor things. Go cry in your scotch and find something to sell on QVC.

Second, Al Gore has become cool! No conservative is ever going to be seen as cool. None of their causes or ideas ever have a snowball's chance in Cheney's lair of ever becoming cool. For example: Join the military so we don't have to! Sex is only for procreation! Gay people scare us because we are afraid we might be gay too! If God liked polar bears he wouldn't be drowning them! Black people wanting an apology for slavery are whiners! Unions mean less money for spoiled heiresses and more money for lazy workers! The 9/11 families should shut the fuck up!

See what I mean? Not one of those ideas is ever going to get a public service announcement on MTV, a colored rubber bracelet or an ad campaign with The Gap.

Third, Al Gore won the popular vote in the 2000 presidential election and that was when he was perceived as being an exaggerating stiff! He says he's not going to run in the 2008 race yet he's polling at 14%. Better than all the second tier candidates on both sides. The Republix are pissing in their pleated Dockers at the thought of Al Gore changing his mind and jumping into the race.

The Republix would rather destroy a movement that's sole purpose is to ensure the survival of the human race for eons and to leave their children a planet to thrive upon, than risk a Democrat getting elected as the President of our nation for four years or so. They would rather go to war, allow poison into our air and water causing disease, destroy ecosystems that support agriculture, destroy our few remaining natural wonders than risk losing the power their corporate funders enable them to have...and that's their inconvenient truth.