Green With Envy White As A Sheet

True story kids. While relaxing on my sofa Tuesday evening watching cable news with my two English Cocker Spaniels napping happily upon my lap, doing their best imitation of an Afghan and keeping me toasty warm on a cold winter evening; my remote control batteries died right when my channel surfing stopped on Fox News during the Squeaky Sean & alan colmes show. Damn! If I get up the dogs will wake up and want to go outside then they'll get all cold and I'm soooo warm and comfy right now.

Then...the camera panned over to some creature...it had long yellow hair, was wearing lot's of whorey makeup and had an adam's apple? Is it one of the Nelson Brothers? No...I remember that their dye jobs were much better and it's wearing a dress.

Suddenly, it opened a ginormous hole in it's face exhibiting rows of large white teeth and a voice that sounded like an amalgamation of Valley Girl and Charles Nelson Reilly emanated from deep inside...."Al Gore and the Liberals want us all to die, they want us all to only use candles and go to the bathroom outside, Al Gore and liberals want to force all the humans on the planet to wear birkenstocks and eat tofu before they kill them all" it brayed.


"Sweet Jesus on a popsicle stick, what the fuck is that?!" I yelled. Needless to say, my wannabe Afghans received the rudest of awakenings when they hit the floor as I jumped off the sofa and ran screaming 'Make it stop! Make it stop' heading for my kitchen to find the battery charger. I tell you guys, I'm still having nightmares and sleeping with one eye open.

Last Sunday evening, a former statesman and tireless activist was honored when the movie based on his powerpoint presentation (of all things) won the Oscar for Best Documentary. On Monday morning, like the green-eyed yellow bellied scared whiter than a sheet freaks of nature they are, the Republix began their smear campaign against Al Gore. Sure, it's all bullshit and a desperate swift-boat job by a hastily thrown together group of a stereotypical pro-corporate oil-industry GOProstitutes.

But, unfortunately this pile of steaming lies has made it around the world a few times and the only US news program that fact-checked the damn thing is Keith Olbermann's Countdown. CNN has repeated the smear without presenting Al Gore's response or looking into the dubious origin and connections of the group who launched it. ABC, ditto. CBS, ditto. Do me a favor kids...especially CNN because the Lou Dobbs show was extra heinous in gleefully repeating the smear without presenting the facts...write these networks and tell them to report the fucking truth for once.

Regardless, I'm wondering, why beat up on Al Gore? Haven't they done that to death? Well, seeing they still blame Bill Clinton for everything from 9/11 to Katrina to Restless Leg Syndrome, I guess I'm being naive. But it's quite evident right now Al Gore has become an even bigger threat to the Republix psyche than any Clinton could hope for. Why?

First, Gore's movie won an Oscar! The only conservative to win an Oscar was Charlton Heston for Ben Hur way back in 1959. Shit, I wasn't even a zygote back then. Their actors suck and will forever be limited to small screen achievement..right Patricia Heaton, Kelsey Grammar, Suzanne Sommers, Pat Sajak? Emmy's aren't ever going to be as good as Oscars you poor things. Go cry in your scotch and find something to sell on QVC.

Second, Al Gore has become cool! No conservative is ever going to be seen as cool. None of their causes or ideas ever have a snowball's chance in Cheney's lair of ever becoming cool. For example: Join the military so we don't have to! Sex is only for procreation! Gay people scare us because we are afraid we might be gay too! If God liked polar bears he wouldn't be drowning them! Black people wanting an apology for slavery are whiners! Unions mean less money for spoiled heiresses and more money for lazy workers! The 9/11 families should shut the fuck up!

See what I mean? Not one of those ideas is ever going to get a public service announcement on MTV, a colored rubber bracelet or an ad campaign with The Gap.

Third, Al Gore won the popular vote in the 2000 presidential election and that was when he was perceived as being an exaggerating stiff! He says he's not going to run in the 2008 race yet he's polling at 14%. Better than all the second tier candidates on both sides. The Republix are pissing in their pleated Dockers at the thought of Al Gore changing his mind and jumping into the race.

The Republix would rather destroy a movement that's sole purpose is to ensure the survival of the human race for eons and to leave their children a planet to thrive upon, than risk a Democrat getting elected as the President of our nation for four years or so. They would rather go to war, allow poison into our air and water causing disease, destroy ecosystems that support agriculture, destroy our few remaining natural wonders than risk losing the power their corporate funders enable them to have...and that's their inconvenient truth.

Dear John

Dear John Q. Troop,

Hello, how are you? Uncle Dick said that Iraq is a roaring success so you must be doing fine! Hopefully we can keep those weakling 'Merka Haters who say otherwise from debating in the Senate so more of your brave brothers in arms can join you soon.

There have been some nasty rumors lately but we both know that lefty liberal mediacrats are behind them. Thank Jaysus you only get good old Rush Limbaugh on the radio there. Can you believe that they are saying you guys shouldn't be forced to take that anthrax vaccine just because it made a few whiners sick? Are those terrorist-emboldeners trying to aid Al Qaeda's evil plan to hurt the big-time 'Merkan profit margins of our pharmaceutical industry or what? Don't worry, we won't let them!

And don't pay any attention to those rumors spread by those Islamolovers that the Bush Administration isn't taking care of you when you come home too hurt to fight for our freedom! Geez! A little missing caulk and chipped paint should be no big deal to someone who's missing a leg or two. I mean, after all, you volunteered and everything.

John, I know you may think that we are leaving you in Iraq for another and that you may think we are more in love with the idea of you than actually in love with you. Sure it looks like we use you to keep those who want truth and accountability off our back. But, it's not like we use all of you to do that. To be honest (for once) John, you are becoming kind of needy. Can't you just come home and be quiet about your so-called problems? Do we have to actually support you with more than platitudes and yellow ribbon magnets? I mean after all, you did volunteer and everything.

We don't want to break up with you John, but if you aren't going to be there for our needs without thinking of your own...well, there are other fish in the sea.

Sincerely,

The Republican Party & Joe Lieberman

You Want The Truth? You Can't Handle The..Hoohaa!

When I think of my mom I think of a woman who was honest and frank which served all of the people in her life well. She didn't hide anything or make up silly names to hide the facts even if it made her uncomfortable. She would not have tried to protect me from something as important as proper vocabulary. Alas, not all are so fortunate.

For example...say one is driving down the street with their child or grandchild in a car and said child sees the word 'vagina' on a billboard advertising a charity benefit with a showing of the play The Vagina Monologues. If the child then asks 'What is a vagina'? ANSWER THE DAMN QUESTION! Do not pitch a hissy forcing the theater owner to change the word on the marquee to some demeaning immature nickname because the kid is just going ask 'What is a hoohaa?' instead of 'What is a vagina?'. So, irregardless, you're going to have to answer the damn question. And, who in their right mind would take any adult seriously that believes one term for a part of a woman's reproductive system is some sing-songy word like hoohaa?

If they do not learn the proper term or you act like a freaked out prude about it..that child will one day be a middle-aged adult that is deathly afraid of vaginas and has yet to graduate from a drinking vessel past the sippy-cup. In other words: single, no job, no grandkids, living in your basement, sucking well vodka from a sippy cup, clad in dirty underwear, and feverishly typing hate-filled rhetoric on the Free Republic. Get the picture? So, you can either swallow your embarrassment and tell the kid what a vagina is...or your legacy will be 'I Raised A Unabomber'. Folks, there are consequences for avoiding truth.

This week our House of Representatives is debating the Iraq Occupation and we learned of a word that the Republic Party finds even scarier than vagina and that word is Iraq. Ironically, overly tanned and tearful Republics while afraid of facing the truth in Iraq are not at all frightened of the word 'terror' or accusing 70% of the nation's citizenry of supporting it. A wave of irrational fear has gripped all Goofy Obnoxious Partisans. Rep. Virgil Goode (R-Damn I Wished I Thought of Callin Them 'Macaca' First) is really really ascairt of Muslims because he fears they may vandalize the sancrosanct symbol of our nation- our currency. Red State House Rep Todd Akin (R-The Show-Me What A Dumbass I Am State) expressed his fear for Davy Crockett's lack of Congressional support. Republic water-schluppers are so afraid of black people that the mere thought of one becoming president puts them in denial.

While The Avoider In Chief may not appear to be afraid of the truth, he in fact is so afraid of it that he's created his own parallel dimension where the truth is what he says it is, it doesn't matter what anyone else says or thinks and no official record of his words are kept: " Iraq? Why I think we're doin a heckuva job! And without a doubt them Ahranians (Shia) supply them bombs to the insurgents (Sunni) killing our soldiers and not the Ahraqi Shia militias! Doesn't make a lick of sense to me either but hey, go figure! Sure that 'evidence' my military fellas gave the press might look a little sketchy, but I'm tellin ya that writin on them bombs is a special Ahranian dialect that just looks like it's somethin else-ya see, it's all in the pronunciation which as you all know is somethin I know a little about. Heh heh heh heh."

The consequences of the Republics' Party truth avoidance has been more costly than the havoc wrought by Ted Kaczinski. Global climate change threatens our very existence. 3,133 American soldiers dead. Nearly 700,000 Iraqis dead. Tens of thousands maimed and/or mentally destroyed. Billions in wasted taxpayer money. A massive debt to authoritarian regimes like China and Saudi Arabia that American children who are now deemed by some too young to understand the word vagina, will end up paying as adults.

A great American president understood that fear and truth if manipulated presented the greatest danger to our freedom than any physical threat could. I don't know about you but I'm tired of those who fear the truth and use fear to distort the truth . The consequences are never paid by those who use the fear but instead by those who are manipulated by it.

It's been said that 'the truth shall set us free' but did you know that Drinking Liberally can set you free as well? No lie. Just join us all this Sunday at Sullivan's Irish Pub on Madison Avenue in Lakewood, Ohio for some truth, freedom, possibly some chicken wings or fish & chips and most definitely some frosty cool adult beverages. See you then!