Super Suckers

Several posts ago I lamented the fact that the states (like Ohio) at the end of the presidential primary schedule never have any impact on the choice of the nominee. But as events have unfolded over the last five weeks, we learned that Inevitability only exists in the absence of Hope and it would appear that lots of voters have Hope. Hot damn! Ohio may actually be a player in this primary election.

It took some time for it to sink in that for the first time in my life, my primary vote could actually make a difference. Then last week, while making dinner with Mr. Drinking Liberally, I blurted out: "OH MY GOD MY VOTE IS ACTUALLY GOING TO COUNT!" Mr. DL nearly lost a digit chopping onions and the dogs erupted in howls that begged "What the living hell is wrong with you Bi-Peds now?" But I didn't care. I was overcome with joy. Downright giddy. I almost felt like a virgin again!!!! Okay, okay...that's a bit of a stretch, but come on..you all didn't have to laugh so hard at the thought - man you people are cold.

Anyway, today my elevated sense of self-esteem at the thought of my own electoral might came crashing to earth. It seems there are these creatures called 'Super Delegates' and they have the power to crush an electoral majority with their extra special powers - aka being a party insider, political official, or elected representative. You see Super Delegates votes are equal to that of 10,000 of us little paeans and they don't have to restrict their powers by voting with the majority of delegates from their respective states. That's right kiddies, they can vote for whoever they want whether it reflects the majority of the state they represent or not. Huh.

Say Candidate A wins the majority of the 'little people' delegates from all of the states; if enough Super Delegates decide to vote against their state delegates wishes, they could give the nomination to Candidate B. Sooooo, how do these Extra Special Super Duper Better Than You And Me Voters decide what to do? Well, folks the word on the street is that there's a lot of wheeling, dealing, ass-kissing, and promise-making going on between the Candidates and The ESSDBTYAMV's. Would they like to be ambassador to France? Well, that can be arranged toute suite! Need to get your kid a cushy government job because the economy sucks wad in Ohio? Well, make sure you get them your eye's apple a resume asap! Need some help for your campaign in 2010? How would you like a sitting President at your fundraiser? Hmmmm?

For a glimpse in the life of a Super Delegate: meet Jason Rae, a 21 year old college junior and Democratic Party member who has never voted before, yet his cell phone perpetually rings with calls from candidates and their surrogates looking to woo him for his Super Vote. One day, he flipped open his cell phone and on the other line was Bill. Would Jason like to meet Chelsea? What 21 year old male political nerd wouldn't want to meet the gorgeous 28 year old daughter of a former president? Poor Obama, his daughters are much too young and his wife, while a gorgeous kick ass woman, is much older than 28 and currently betrothed. I doubt Jason would be all that stoked to eat breakfast with them. Maybe Obama should arrange a hunting date with Jason and his distant cousin Dick. FYI Jason, when Dick yells 'duck' remember that he's hunting quail.

I don't know about you guys, but to me this whole Super Delegate scheme reeks. It's sooo Banana Republic and I don't mean the upscale Gap clothing brand, I mean the type of government where the party elitists pick your leaders. Millions of voters can make the decision to nominate one candidate then 842 'special' people can overturn it because they got to make googly eyes with a former president's offspring or pocket the mother of all political favors. I hate to use the word 'pimping' when describing the practice of trading your vote for your own personal political gain because that word has pissed off so many people but also because the word 'whoring' is actually the more appropriate term to describe it.

Suddenly my virginal excitment over my vote counting for the very first time in the presidential primary (let alone in a presidential election) has been replaced by that 'not so fresh feeling' of realizing that as an Ohioan, once again my vote may really not count. I never imagined in my wildest dreams that this time around those responsible could be from my own party.